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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780316565509 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Little, Brown Books for Young Readers |
| Publication date: | 07/25/2023 |
| Pages: | 256 |
| Sales rank: | 123,725 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.20(w) x 7.60(h) x 0.70(d) |
| Age Range: | 12 - 18 Years |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
YOU are so not invited to my BAT MITZVAH!
By Fiona Rosenbloom
HYPERION
Copyright © 2005 Alloy Entertainment and Fiona RosenbloomAll right reserved.
ISBN: 0-7868-5616-5
Chapter One
The Gross Mitzvah
"Well? Am I Andy Goldfarb ready?" I asked. I was standing on the steps of Temple Emanu-El with Lydia Katz and Kelly Mooreland, my absolute first- and second-best friends, in respective order. We were about to enter Marni Gross's bat mitzvah celebration and I wanted to look my best.
Kelly stood back and gave me the once-over. "You need some makeup."
"But I don't have any," I complained.
"I do," Kelly said.
"We'll make you over in the bathroom," Lydia said, squeezing my arm. Lydia knows how to take charge. She's very disciplined. She gets that from her years of ballet class and all those skinny teachers who are constantly waving those sticks at her. "When we're done with you, you'll forget about Andy Goldfarb. You'll be Dante Decosimo ready," she added.
I rolled my eyes at her. Yeah, right.
Dante Decosimo was the ultra-gorgeous Italian exchange student in our class. He was a total hottie. Even Kym Armstrong, leader of the popular clique, The Chicas, openly crushed him. And she was, well, hard to please. Apparently Dante had a gorgeous girlfriend who wore off-the-shoulder peasant blouses waiting for him back home in Genoa. And rumor had it he'd already hooked up once with some teen model fromanother school here in Rye.
Lydia readjusted her dark brown ballerina bun, straightened her Arden B. pink taffeta dress, and pointed her feet out (again, the dance training). Kelly flipped her thick blond hair over her back and neatened her Ruby Rox tulle-trimmed dress. Then we opened the door to the synagogue. It was time to get the party started right.
Unfortunately, as soon as I looked out onto the hallway with all its decorations, I was reminded why that would be difficult. It's next to impossible to turn a Harry Potter-themed bat mitzvah into a party.
"Am I the only one who finds the third installment of Harry Potter unconscionably reductive?" Arthur asked no one in particular.
I had forgotten he was behind us. I was so used to him being on my tail all the time, I hardly even thought about how weird it was that he was almost three years younger than me. At ten years old, Arthur had a higher IQ than most members of the SUNY Purchase faculty and a comparable waist size. As usual, we left him to fend for himself and headed to the ladies' room.
"I think we should take off our friendship necklaces," Lydia said to me once we got inside the faux-marble bathroom.
"Why?" I asked. We never took off our friendship necklaces.
"The beads just don't look right with our outfits," she said.
I was so short I had to stand on my tiptoes to see my top half in the mirror.
"She's right," Kelly said, coating her eyelashes with mascara. Kelly didn't have a friendship necklace, but it wasn't because we didn't love her. It was because Lydia and I were absolute best friends since kindergarten. Before we even knew Kelly. And we weren't only school best friends; we were also Hebrew school best friends. Kelly didn't really seem to mind. She was pretty confident that way. Besides, she wouldn't have been caught dead in clay beads.
"You never want to pair ceramic with upscale clothes," Kelly said, throwing the mascara back in her makeup bag. She turned back to the mirror, exposing her mouth full of braces in her reflection, and checked for food particles.
"You're probably right," I said, not wanting to point out how un-upscale my clothes-picked out by my mother-were.
"I mean, do you think Reese Witherspoon would be caught dead in a fashion combo that involved clay jewelry?" Kelly asked. Kelly planned on becoming either an actress or a personal shopper once she lost her baby fat and braces.
"You are so pretty, but you're always hiding behind your hair," Lydia said as she held out her hand, signaling for me to hand over the necklace. That was the other thing about Lydia: she was very big sisterly. She always made sure that I felt as good about myself as she did about herself.
"Okay, girls, are we ready to find The Chicas?" Kelly asked, twirling her hair with her fingers. She did that when she was anxious. Lydia was a little nervous too. I could tell because she was tapping her feet. Ever since The Chicas lost one of their own to a parental job transfer, they were much more open to hanging out with us. And we, well, we've been hoping to gain access into their inner circle since the day middle school began. So you can imagine the pressure we were feeling. What we needed was a good stress breaker.
"What's Helen Keller's favorite color?" I asked.
"What?" Kelly responded.
"Corduroy!" I said, sending Kelly and Lydia into fits of laughter.
That one never fails me. Telling jokes to ease the tension is a specialty of mine. It's one of the reasons I'm considering the field of comedy as a career choice.
"The Chicas!" Kelly said.
"And The Boys!" I added.
"And The Boys," Lydia mimicked with a roll of her heavily mascara-ed eyes. Lydia, I should mention, was NOT into boys.
STACY FRIEDMAN'S STATEMENT OF FACT: Girls who aren't into boys yet can sometimes be party poopers. Even if one of those girls happens to be your best friend.
Standing side by side at the doorway of the party hall, in our fancy clothes and all made up, it felt as if Lydia, Kelly, and I were Charlie's Angels. I imagined us strutting into the party with the wind blowing our hair behind us and Destiny's Child singing in the background. Seeing us like this would take everyone's breath away. Andy's especially.
But as we crossed the threshold, we couldn't have been less like the Angels. No one really paid much attention. A couple of people waved, but everyone continued to go about their business.
I searched the room, trying to find Andy. Boys and girls were dancing, though not really with each other. More like at each other. Most kids were in huddles. One corner was filled with the techies, some of whom were dorky enough to actually be wearing the Harry Potter literary wizard hats. Another was filled with the preppies. But there was no Andy. In fact, I couldn't find any of The Boys. Did they not come? Were they too good for a bat mitzvah now?
We walked to the dance floor, passing tables set with Ron Weasley napkins and Harry Potter food: Caterpillar Cocoons, Bloody Eyeballs, and Deviled Mice. Marni Gross needed to wake up and smell reality. Harry Potter was so over. This was White Plains, New York, not Hogwarts Academy. I scanned the room again, but still no boys. Kelly kept fidgeting with her Louis Vuitton bag, making sure everyone could see it and be envious. Lydia was searching the crowd as we walked. Being a tall girl definitely had its advantages.
"There they are!" she said, pointing over everyone's heads.
My heart fluttered, and I swear my palms even sweated a bit. They were here! I patted down my frizz as we made our way across the dance floor and toward our destination.
Lydia said, "Chicas!"
My heart sank with the realization that it wasn't The Boys she had spotted at all.
Kym Armstrong, Sara Langley, and Megan Riley were huddled in the corner.
"Love your lip gloss," Kym called to Kelly as they stepped aside and opened up their circle to include us.
"Thanks, it's MAC," Kelly answered.
Kym and Sara were wearing matching halter dresses over jeans.
"Let me see the color. I bet I could make it," Megan said as Kelly handed her the tube.
Megan was sporting her do-it-yourself fashion look as usual. Today she was wearing plastic shower rings as bracelets.
"Stacy, your hair is getting really long," Sara told me.
"Thanks," I responded, preoccupied and craning my neck to see over Lydia toward the drink table.
"So" Megan looked at me. I turned my attention back from the party. She lifted her arm to snake all her plastic shower hook bracelets back up. "Is tonight the big night?"
"What do you mean?"
"The night where you make it happen with Andy Goldfarb."
"Make what happen?" I asked nervously.
"You know ... make him like you."
You can make someone like you?
"He's not even here," I said.
"So, I guess the answer is no."
"I just saw Rob Mancuso and Dante Decosimo in the parking lot, so Andy must be here," Sara said.
"Hey, you could be the first one out of all of us to have a boyfriend!" Megan said.
"Yeah! Totally. So, what are you waiting for, sister?" Sara asked.
"Come on, Chicas, let's go go go!" Kym said.
"Now?" I asked.
"No, idiot, when we're in high school. Yes, now!" Kym said.
Don't get me wrong: I wanted to be friends with The Chicas. I wanted to be in The Chicas, but Kym Armstrong scared me. I thought she was a snob and kind of a queeny jerk. But I also didn't want to be the person to say no to her.
So, I turned around and headed toward the door of the synagogue. The girls were following me and I was walking as slowly as I could. I guess I was nervous because I had no idea what to say when we got outside. "Oh, hi, Andy. Everyone, myself included, thinks that you and I should hook up. So, starting right now, you're my boyfriend. Surprise!"
Then, just as I was ready to push the front door open, the Ashlee Simpson song "Pieces of Me" came on and Lydia, bless her heart, grabbed my shoulders and shrieked. This was our absolute favorite song.
"Let's dance!" she screamed, snatching my hand and leading me back onto the dance floor.
Kelly, Sara, and Megan ran after us and Kym watched from the side, glaring. Lydia and I had memorized the dance from the video, so we taught it to the other girls and soon everyone was watching us. Including Rabbi Sherwin, who happens to be very cool for a rabbi. Even Arthur, who was sitting on a plastic chair in the corner, was bobbing his head.
And then, dream of all dreams, Andy Goldfarb, Dante Decosimo, and Rob Mancuso pushed their way through the crowd to see what was going on, which made me get into it even more.
I checked to see if Andy-so cute in his suit and beginnings of a tan-had his eyes on me. For a second it seemed as if he did, and I imagined us as a couple going to my bat mitzvah together. On the dance floor, he would blow everyone's mind with how good a dancer he was and I could say nonchalantly to anyone who asked about him, "Oh, you mean that guy? Yeah. That's my boyfriend." And then, maybe even in the middle of a dance, a slow one, at my bat mitzvah party, in front of The Chicas, in front of my whole class, Andy Goldfarb would lean down and kiss me. On the lips.
The song ended and I saw that Andy had a big smile on his face. So I got all my courage up and began to walk over to him. On my way there, Dante Decosimo passed me by.
"You want to have a salsa?" Dante asked, which was kind of strange, since he's way too gorgeous to speak to someone like me.
"Uh, no thanks," I answered, "I'm not hungry." As I got closer to Andy, I noticed he was mouthing the words to "Hey Ya," and so I said, "Good song, huh?"
"Believe."
Andy was so cool. He knew everything there was to know about rap stars and he wore Sean John clothes and Phat Farm. He even had a personalized belt buckle that said G-Farb. I wondered if he knew that I could dance to hip-hop. That would definitely impress him.
"You looked dope out there," he said.
Oh.
My.
God.
He was watching me.
Play it cool, Stace.
"Thanks," I said as nonchalantly as I could. Then added, "Wanna dance?" not sure what had possessed me to do such a thing.
But just then, Andy pulled out his cell phone, looked at the text, chuckled, and said, "Dig, I gotta run outside fo'a minute. Chill, a'ight, Betty?"
"That's cool," I said. And then the song "With You," by Jessica Simpson, came on and Lydia and Kelly and the other girls screamed again. Lydia ran over and grabbed me just as Andy turned away.
We all followed Kelly now. We were sashaying and spinning, doing shoulder rolls, a whole choreographed dance. I hoped Andy would come back in so he could see how good I looked. But when I spun around, I saw that he had returned and was now talking to Julie Haven!
Julie Haven was pretty and tall. But she also had very hairy arms and a mustache. It was faint, but still a mustache. As Andy talked to her, she was kind of moving her hips, like kind of dancing, kind of not, and then he started to swing his arms a little bit. What was he doing? Was he dancing with her? I slowed down a little but also tried to act as if I wasn't fixated.
Then, with absolutely no warning whatsoever, Andy Goldfarb bent down and kissed Julie Haven fast and sloppy and then he grabbed her hand and the two of them disappeared through the crowd. I suddenly stopped dancing. I couldn't even move.
As the DJ changed songs, there was a huge crashing sound in the corner. When we all looked over to see what it was, there was Arthur standing over a huge broken platter of wizard celestial cheese balls and spit wad sandwiches. He must have been trying to carry it over to his chair.
"Hungry much, Arthur?" someone called out.
"I was getting it for someone else!" I could hear him saying as people started laughing.
Between the humiliation of having a human vacuum cleaner for a brother and a crush whose heart belongs to another, I could barely keep it together. And as Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" floated out of the speakers, I broke down, running off the dance floor in tears.
We all assembled in the synagogue bathroom to discuss what action should be taken. The atmosphere was tense.
Kelly nervously pinched her cheeks for more color. Megan Riley scrounged through Kelly's lipstick selection. Sara Langley, the budding activist of the group, stood scrubbing graffiti from the stall walls with strings of soapy toilet paper. Kym lifted herself up on the sink and studied everyone, me especially, waiting to see the outcome of my rage, and Lydia anxiously pinned and re-pinned her hair into its bun and I began my normal habit of pacing and twirling my hair.
I did three laps across the tiled floor, and when I finished the fourth, I stopped and swiveled on my heels, and then I slowly and carefully delivered the most important announcement I was to make that week.
"Ladies," I began.
Everyone stopped and looked at me.
"I have something to say."
Kym slid down from the sink to get closer to me. Any sign of gossip and Kym was within an inch of your mouth. This ensured that the words went straight from her ear canal directly into the gossip file in her brain.
"I ...
Am ...
So ...
Over ...
Andy ...
Goldfarb."
There were audible gasps, mainly from Kelly, who believed most dramatic moments were opportunities to practice her acting skills.
"Are you sure?" Lydia asked.
"Positively sure," I said. "I am officially over Andrew Goldfarb."
I looked over at Lydia, who seemed to be waiting for me to say something else.
"You know, just because he kissed Julie Haven doesn't mean he doesn't like you," Lydia said. Poor thing. She had a lot of catching up to do when it came to boys.
"Lydia, call it, please," I said.
Lydia looked at her watch. "7:02 P.M."
"Stacy Friedman's crush on Andy Goldfarb has ended. Time of death: 7:02 P.M. Date: Saturday, May 14, 2005," I reported.
"Maybe you should say it one more time, just to get used to the sound of it," Lydia said.
Kelly held her hand out to Kym, who rolled her eyes but took it anyway. Then Megan held hands with Sara, and Lydia clutched mine.
"You're right. God as my witness, I renounce all things Andy Goldfarb. Stacy Friedman's crush on Andy Goldfarb is now officially over." I checked my watch once more. "New time of death ... 7:03. Same date," I said.
And everyone answered in unison, "Amen."
Chapter Two
The Possible Start of a New Beginning
Kelly, Lydia, and I stood outside the synagogue to get some air. I didn't want to be anywhere near Andy Goldfarb and Julie Haven, but I couldn't exactly go home two hours early. It would have been way too obvious. Besides, then I would have had to tell my mother what happened.
"So, what should we do?" Kelly asked.
"We could go to the mall!" Lydia suggested.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from YOU are so not invited to my BAT MITZVAH! by Fiona Rosenbloom Copyright © 2005 by Alloy Entertainment and Fiona Rosenbloom. Excerpted by permission.
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