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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780380732005 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | HarperCollins |
| Publication date: | 02/01/1999 |
| Pages: | 272 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.25(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.68(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Nostradamus Said Thered Be Days Like This
THE PLANE is going to land in Buffalo in ten minutes. I feel Tom tense up when the flight attendant makes the announcement. Tom took half a Xanax, but tranquilizers don't alleviate his anxiety about flying, they only make it more casual. Instead of brooding about doom and destruction, he relaxes and mentions possible crash scenarios with the breeziness of a businessman trying to pick a good restaurant. I sometimes think that Im able to relax only on airplanes: It's as if the Universe said, You'll fret about every other area in your life, but at thirty thousand feet, thats where you'll really be able to kick back. I like that air travel is an opportunity to shirk all your responsibilities and put your life completely in someone elses hands. Riding in an airplane can be compared to taking a car trip with your parents when you were a kid. You know your destination but have no idea how to get there, you haveabout the same amount of leg room that you did whenyou sat with your brothers in the backseat, and you'restill expected to sit quietly and amuse yourself withoutbothering the other passengers. Unfortunately, now itsreally not acceptable to cause a commotion by deliberately poking someone with a pencil.
I'm glad that were visiting my parents for Thanksgiving because I prefer it to Christmas. It involves shopping at only one store, a supermarket, and you never have to save the receipts to return something, even if you discover that the turkey you bought is too big.Thanksgiving is also the perfect holiday for families to come together because its based on the great American tradition of people who could just as easilykill one another trying to ignore their differences over a heavy meal.
As we walk off the plane, I start to feel a vagueanxiety that makes me feel right at home because ourfavorite holiday traditions are emotional discomfort andunfocused guilt. Theyve been in the family for generations. My parents are standing at the gate and my firstthought is that they look so old. It then occurs to methat my parents might be thinking the same thing aboutme. I suspect this because my mother, after saying hello,looks closely and says with a note of concern in her voice,Bob, you look tired. Which as an unwelcome greetingranks right up there with Youre under arrest. You havethe right to remain silent.... Why would anyone feelcompelled to inform someone about their rested status?There's nothing restorative about the observation. Is theidea that lowering another person's self-esteem slowsdown the metabolism and allows rejuvenation to occur?Like most creative types in Manhattan, I take pride inthe dark circles under my eyes, the halos of artistic sainthood. Tom proceeds to firmly grasp my father's hand because he's been warned that my father judges peopleby the quality of their handshakesan odd method ofdetermining character by a man who doesn't alwayshave a solid grip on reality. He once told me, Bob, Ilike your friends because all the men have very solidhandshakes, and come to think of it, all the women dotoo. We then proceed to the three traditional ice-breaking questions asked at every airport reunion:
1. Your dad asks, Can I carry something?
2. Your mom asks, Did you eat?
3. You ask, Were you waiting long?
In the parking lot I have to decide whether to acceptmy mothers offer to sit up front with my father or sitin the back with Tom. Every time I visit my parents Ichange time zonesI have to set my watch back to mychildhood. Tom and I ride in the backseat, which doesinexplicably make everything momentarily seemsmaller, and even though its only ten a.m., I have asudden urge to stop for an ice cream. As the car passesseveral fast-food restaurants, my mother warns, Are yousure you don't want to get something to eat now? She'sconcerned because we're not going to be able to eat againfor another fifteen or twenty minutes. Since my fatherhas retired from the state police, food has become themajor focal point of my parents' lives. This has actuallymade my visits home more enjoyable, because after acertain age eating and drinking are the only activitiesthat most parents and children still honestly enjoy doingtogether. As we drive to their house, my parents' onlycomments are capsule reviews of passing restaurants.
We should go to Chi-Chi's while you're here. Theyhave really good margaritas.
Theres Damon's. They have really good ribs butwe like the one near us better.
We tried The Olive Garden. I wasn't too crazy about it. Remember that Italian bakery you took me toin New York? What was its name?
Veniero's.
That was really good.
I'm afraid that at some point when we visit, insteadof bringing me up to date on our family, my motherwill start giving us progress reports on some of the waiters they know at their favorite restaurants: Do you remember Sally at The Ground Round? She's thinking ofquitting because the manager there wants her to workThursdays and she's told him that's the night of her wood-refinishing class.
One of the first announcements my mother makesafter one of her children has returned for a visit is thatshe went grocery shopping before we arrived. She plansevery possible meal and snack that could be needed during our visit with the thoroughness of a hospital dietitian. The refrigerator is so overstuffed that you canpractically see the eggs pressing through the door. It's asif she's terrified that one of her children will have asudden craving for a food that can't be procured immediately. Whatever happened to the mother who didn'twant her children to eat too much junk because it wouldspoil their appetites? My mother has become the Anti-Mom, tempting her children with sinfully rich foods ofnever less than 666 calories.
Bob, while youre here I want you to have yourfavorite meal.
It's sweet of my mother to say that. She alwaysmakes this offer when I come home. Out of respect forher feelings, I don't mention that my favorite meal nowis having dinner with friends in New York, not eatingher meatloaf while listening to her yell at my father foreating cashews before dinnerwhen he should know better with his diverticulitis.
Boy, its really cold today.
Tom says this in an attempt to make conversation.This is a big mistake. In most places, its considered goodadvice to never talk about religion and politics if youwant to avoid an argument. Buffalo is the only citywhere talking about the weather is also considered to bea risky subject. If you mention the weather in Buffalo,you will start a blizzard of anecdotes about the worstwinter survived, foggy predictions about whether its going to be a bad or good winter ranging from Nostradamus to The Farmer's Almanac, heated discussions aboutthe windchill factor, and dry explanations about theLake Effect, which is when the Arctic air of Canadablows over the warmer Lake Erie, thereby creating massquantities of snow.
Tom, its not cold today. Last winter, it got so coldthat you could get frostbite going from the house to thegarage.
No, that was the winter before.
All right, Sue.
At this point I start to worry that the car will skidon the ice forming between my parents. My memoriesof Buffalo are separated by the seasons of summer andwinter. Theyre almost like episodes from the televisionseries that I liked to watch growing up during the 1960s.Some of my memories, like some of the episodes of Bewitched and Lost in Space, are in black and white andsome are in color, but they all have the same cast andsettings. It's difficult to appreciate Buffalo at this timeof year because even though its still early in the winter,all the cars and street signs are already covered in a graymixture of soot and road salt. It's as if the highwaydepartment is determined to prove that with the rightamount of seasoning, asphalt can be quite palatable.
It's too bad no one else could get home now.
I say this because it suddenly strikes me that Tomand I are going to be the complete center of attentionfor this entire visit.
My father says, Yeah, Ted has to work. Carol andMark are going to his parents, and John and his newgirlfriend are going skiing in Colorado.
My mother adds, They're all going to try to comehome at Christmas. And youll be at Tom's parents downin Florida. I bet they'll be glad to see you.
While were driving in the car my mother discussesseveral possible people we should visit. Of course, shesays, she's just making some suggestionswe should dowhat we want to do. I don't understand why she wantsme to see relatives whom I avoided when I still lived athome. It's as if she needs to reconfirm that I still don'tenjoy their company. Mom, we'll see if there's time tovisit Aunt Lorraine, I lie. My mother isnt even particularly fond of Aunt Lorraine because my mother is morejudgmental than Jehovah in the Old Testament. Whenever she mentions Aunt Lorraine its usually with a slow,disapproving shaking of her head, The last time I wentover thereat two in the afternoonshe was still inher housecoat, the sink was full of dishes.... I couldn'tlive like that.
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by Bob Smith
Newt Gingrich has compared being gay to being alcoholic. If you think you might be gay, ask yourself the following questions:
Do you feel that you need to be gay in order to have a good time?
Have you ever been gay when you're alone?
Have you ever had times when you can't remember being gay the night before?
(Gay black-outs do happen.
Many public figures go their entire lives being gay and not remembering it.)
Excerpted from Openly Bob. Copyright ) 1997 by Bob Smith.
What People are Saying About This
The wonderfully talented Bob Smith exhibits a worldview that is at once compassionate and piercing; he puts the Bob back into kabob.
Move over, Garrison Keillor! Bob Smith tells wickedly funny stories from the gay resort on Lake Wobegon. His gay point of view tackles straight material and makes it his own. He's rereadable.
Warmhearted, sharp-minded, and above all hilarious, Openly Bob is jam-packed with hundreds-perhaps thousands-of memorable and wise one-liners. It's a feast of human comedy, served up by a truly delightful maître d'.
Bob Smith is that rare phenonmenon: a hilarious gentile. Openly Bob is his wickedly funny diary, tracing the joys of performing stand-up comedy during a hurricane, going home for funerals, and, most terrifyingly, attending a weekend-long couples counseling seminar. Not only is this book entertaining and touching, but it also includes perhaps the finest Lucille Ball anecdote of our time.
Interviews
On Tuesday, October 9th, barnesandnoble.com welcomed Bob Smith to discuss OPENLY BOB.
Moderator: Welcome, Bob Smith! Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to join us online this evening to talk about your new book.
Bob Smith: I am glad to be online. Thank you.
Tamara from Connecticut: What is your impression of the stereotypical gay male that is always seen in the movies and on television?
Bob Smith: In my book I do a whole chapter on being an openly gay actor, and for the most part it is a nightmare. I once auditioned for a part where the man was described as feminine and flamboyant, but married with two children. The man was a hairdresser, what a shock. The character was not only a stereotypical big queen but they didn't even have the guts to make him gay, they made him straight.
Franklin from Fort Collins, CO: Good evening, Mr. Smith. I was reading through your book the other day in my local bookstore, and I was curious to know if any of these essays are fictional.
Bob Smith: They are not. The essays are all true, but I have changed some names to protect my family. Sometimes I condensed events, but everything is true. I did make up the character of the lesbian ventriloquist. I decided it was more fun to out a really bad performer.
Kristen from Los Angeles: Do you still do stand-up? Will you be performing anywhere in the near future?
Bob Smith: I still do perform stand-up. This fall I will appear on Louie Anderson's HBO comedy showcase; I will be in Catch a Rising Star on October 25th; I will be at David Brenner's comedy club in Philadelphia on Sunday, October 19th; and I will be at the Comedy Connection in Boston on October 25th. I have been at the Improv, which does a gay and lesbian night; their next one will be November 5th.
Carl from Orchard Park, NY: Do you ever go back to Buffalo? What was it like growing up in such a conservative town like Buffalo? Do you have bitter memories of upstate New York?
Bob Smith: I do go back to Buffalo every year, because my mother still lives in the same house in Kenmore. I make fun of Buffalo in my book, but I do like the city. I like the junk food in Buffalo. Chicago is known as the "City of Broad Shoulders" -- I suggest Buffalo could be nicknamed the "City of Wide Asses." It was a conservative city, but in some ways it was a great place to grow up because it is so easy and funny. But I never felt particularly oppressed. I liked it.
Jessica from Scotch Plains, NJ: Can you please describe the experience of performing on "The Tonight Show"? Is it still the ultimate goal in the world of comedians to perform there?
Bob Smith: I think it and "Letterman," "Conan" -- they are all really good shows, but "The Tonight Show" is particularly memorable for comedians because it has a 40-year history where comics debuted. I got "The Tonight Show" gig because of my HBO Comedy Special; they watched it and booked me, to my surprise, because I thought I would have to audition in person, and I rehearsed my set for weeks. I had about a month and a half. The day I performed it, I was nervous getting dressed in my brand-new suit that my brother gave me $1,000 to buy. There was a knock on my door, and it was Jay Leno saying he was here from Act Up, and they are here to out you, which made me laugh. I was in the middle of getting dressed, I couldn't believe it was Jay Leno -- I met him in my underwear. It was embarrassing. And he gave me a really thoughtful pep talk and reassured me that I would be nervous but not to be nervous. He said, "If you feel like you are going too slow, you are not. Do not rush, because this is your shot." It was really helpful. Garth Brooks was the guest that night and Wendy Wasserstein, and when I walked out from behind the curtain I realized that half the audience was wearing cowboy hats. At first I was worried, and they turned out to be a really supportive, great audience. The set went really well. The last that I expected to happen happened I relaxed while performing, because it was going so well. After the set I went and sat down, and Jay asked me what my parents thought about me doing the show, and I told a true story that I had called home about a month before telling my mother that I was going to do "The Tonight Show," and she said, "Bob, that is great." Then I said that everyone will know I am gay, "Are you and Dada okay with that?" And she said, "Your father and I talked about it, and there are a lot of people named Bob Smith -- who is going to know?"
Mark from Denver: Do you think society is more accepting of female celebrities who come out as openly gay than it is of males in the same position, much like yourself?
Bob Smith: Certainly every person, man or woman, feels the risk of homophobia. I don't feel personally that I am at a disadvantage since I came out. I have heard it argued that it is easier for women, but I don't think it is true, because the people who are really homophobic hate all of us.
Janet S. from USA: Why can't they create good male gay characters on TV? I mean, that gay guy on "Melrose Place," come on, what a weenie.... Ellen is cool, but I can't think of one gay character on TV that I really like, can you?
Bob Smith: The one gay character I really like is Niles from "Frasier." Unfortunately, he is straight, but he is a big queen and is very likable and funny. The character on "Melrose Place" is not only a weenie, they won't even let him touch a weenie. He seems asexual. Scott Thompson on "The Larry Sanders Show" is a good gay character. I like the new show "Veronica's Closet" -- that has a gay character on it. And of course there is Smithers from "The Simpsons." The problem is that they are all peripheral characters. We need a show with a main gay character.
Victor from Toronto: Bob, do you believe that gay comedians can get away with raunchier acts? Kind of the "shock" comedy theme? Thanks, dude.
Bob Smith: I don't think so. A dick joke is a dick joke no matter what your sexual orientation is. So I don't think it is easier for gay comics to be raunchier, no.
Gregory from New Orleans, LA: Hello, Bob, how is everything going tonight? Is your book available in bookstores yet?
Bob Smith: Yes, it is available at Barnes & Noble across the country. It is out of the publisher's closet. Available for purchase by clicking the cover above.
William Sachs from Nevada: Hi, Bob. Tell me, what funny men make you laugh? Who were your influences in comedy?
Bob Smith: Woody Allen -- I loved his stand-up comedy albums, I listened to them over and over. I like the gay playwright Joe Orton and Oscar Wilde, S. J. Perelman, Evelyn Waugh. A book that influenced me to do stand-up was Lenny Bruce's HOW TO TALK DIRTY AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE. But it wasn't all men. Lily Tomlin's first Broadway show, called "Appearing Nightly," I loved. I listened to the album of that show over and over growing up, and I especially loved the classic "Lud and Marie Meet Dracula's Daughter." Check it out, it's brilliant.
John from NYC: Have you ever seen "South Park"? Did you see the episode with Sparky the gay dog, whose voice was done by George Clooney? It was brilliantly funny.
Bob Smith: I did see that episode, and I thought it was hilarious. The whole idea of gay pets is groundbreaking. I just hope they don't open a store for gay pets called Doggie Style.
Lady Luck from Boston: Hiya, Bob. Could you please tell me about how much you love all the rising young women comedians onstage and in movies these days? I mean, aren't we just doing phenomenally? Why, thank you! -)
Bob Smith: That sounds great, but who the hell are you? Just kidding -- good luck. There are a lot of women comics that I am friends with that I love Judy Gold is brilliant, Wendy Liebman, Margaret Cho, Robin Greenspan, Susan Westinhoefer, Elvira Kurt, Lea Dilaria, Margaret Gomez, Kate Clinton. I love many women comics -- I am a big fan, obviously.
Sam from Allentown, PA: How much more open-minded do you think America has become over the past couple years in regards to homosexuality? What about middle America compared to New York City and California?
Bob Smith: I think the country has become open-minded about homosexuality in the sense that many people predicted that the show would crash and burn, but it is actually doing very well in the ratings. One reason that I think more people are open-minded is that many homosexuals are no longer staying in the closet. Coming out is the best way to end homophobia.
Ian from La Jolla, CA: What has been your take on the whole Andrew Cunanan fiasco?
Bob Smith: I am glad I wasn't on his list.
Davis X from NYC: The club scene has definitely helped gay men to find a place to safely socialize, which is especially true in my city. I have noticed a rise in the number of drag queens, in more elaborate costumes than ever -- and I've found that some of the men are actually straight and getting paid to play a role, like "tough construction worker guy in a leotard" type thing. What's your take on this? Thanks, Bob!
Bob Smith: That is the last thing we need -- straight men doing drag as construction workers for gay men. It sounds like a Ricki Lake show: "Heterosexual Construction Workers, Next Episode."
Scott Ehlers from Los Angeles, CA: Can you tell us how you became the first openly gay comedian on "The Tonight Show"? Did they come to you?
Bob Smith: We sent them the tape and then they were interested.
David from Concord, CA: I read that Oscar Wilde is one of your literary influences. Which is your favorite Oscar Wilde work?
Bob Smith: "The Importance of Being Earnest"
Frederick from Austin, TX: Great book! How many people in the entertainment business do you think are really gay but don't come out of the closet because they fear the bad press?
Bob Smith: Five and a half, to be specific.... I don't know -- there are so many people out in the entertainment business that it is ridiculous to be in show business and stay in the closet. People expect gay people to be there, to get out of the closet.
Rory from Florida: Hey Bob, how do you overcome writer's block?
Bob Smith: I overcome writer's block by starting to type! My serious advice is that you do one word at a time, one sentence at a time. If you think, Oh my gosh I am writing a whole book, you will kill yourself. You keep taking it one step at a time, then you eventually write a whole book.
Moderator: Thanks for joining us tonight, Bob Smith. And thanks to all who participated. Bob, any final thoughts before we go?
Bob Smith: My book OPENLY BOB, no matter what your sexual orientation, is great in bed.