The Etiquette Edge: The Unspoken Rules for Business Success
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The Etiquette Edge: The Unspoken Rules for Business Success
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Overview
In today’s culture where rudeness is unfortunately becoming more routine, a strong competitive advantage goes to those who have sharpened the forgotten but fundamental skill of courtesy.
Intelligence, ambition, and skill will start you on the road to success but without strong communications skills, social savvy, and a sense of appropriate behavior, you won’t get far. In The Etiquette Edge, you will get a crash course in the entire field of modern business manners.
From interviewing etiquette and dress codes to working in close quarters and communicating upward, you’ll master the essentials of making a great impression and building relationships, including:
- The dos and don’ts of smartphone usage
- Handling difficult conversations with tact and finesse
- Checking your texts and emails for content and tone…before you hit send
- Creating a polished image on social media
- Conducting meetings with poise and confidence
Your coworkers and competitors are highly educated, ferociously go-getting, and great at their job…just like you. If you want to truly distinguish yourself from the crowd, focus on gaining the etiquette edge!
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780814437636 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AMACOM |
| Publication date: | 08/23/2016 |
| Sold by: | HarperCollins Publishing |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 256 |
| Sales rank: | 582,393 |
| File size: | 1 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
The Etiquette Edge
Modern Manners for Business Success
By Beverly Y. Langford
AMACOM
Copyright © 2016 Beverly Y. Langford, PhDAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8144-3763-6
CHAPTER 1
Manners in the Twenty-First Century
Finally it arrived: the new millennium. For most of us, it was full of hope and promise and fresh beginnings, but it was also filled with dire predictions and omens. Now, more than a decade later, after all the hoopla, hype, and histrionics subsided, we have passed through the gateway into a new age and have settled in to being twenty-first-century savvy. And with the traumatic and gut-wrenching events that have ushered in this new era, we may feel an ongoing urge to reflect and take stock. The picture is not all that pretty.
We see contentious dispositions and adversarial approaches to one another played out in the barrage of 24-hour news, as politicians at the highest level can no longer discuss differences civilly and issues quickly turn personal. We have become accustomed to extreme polarization and often vitriolic language and accusations from leaders and opinion makers about the people on the other side. And many of the rest of us eagerly take our cue from these politicians, celebrities, and the media. In short, rampant rudeness prevails at all levels of society — from the halls of Congress to the checkout counter to the school playground.
Are we making any progress in the civility department? Are we ruder than the generations that have gone before us, or do we still value courtesy and considerate behavior? Granted, we no longer draw and quarter people in the town square, but we gleefully pillory our fellow citizens in the media — and through social media, where cyberbullying has become an epidemic. We bemoan the rudeness of others, yet can easily justify our own actions when we are surly with a salesperson, cut off another driver on the highway (because our time is more important and we're late), or walk past coworkers without greeting them.
Indeed, our society abounds with plenty of examples of rudeness. A marketing communications manager reproached a sandwich maker at a delicatessen for ignoring her polite "thank you" at the end of her transaction. She mentioned that the proper response to "thank you" is usually "you're welcome." Rather than being embarrassed about his lack of civility, the deli employee came from behind the counter and followed the customer across the store, spewing invectives about her having the audacity to call him out on his behavior.
As a society, particularly in highly populated areas, we're touchy, brash, and easily rankled, and although we claim to value considerate behavior, we're quick to respond in kind when we experience an affront. The word "edgy" has become something of a compliment, when it used to mean that someone had consumed too much caffeine. Furthermore, we enthusiastically adopt the outrageous, the cantankerous, and the pugnacious habits of our culture's icons. In short, we spend a lot of time bemoaning the death of courtesy and not much energy trying to revive it.
THE HIGH COST OF INCIVILITY
In their 2009 book on the high cost of incivility, Christine Pearson and Christine Porath assert that incivility is damaging to businesses in a number of ways. Their study at the University of North Carolina's Kenan-Flagler School of Business highlighted as uncivil such behavior as not responding to e-mail or voice mail, habitually interrupting, backstabbing, shouting at someone, and rudeness that ultimately escalates into threatened or actual violence.
The study found that rude behavior at work is on the rise and hitting corporations where it hurts — in the balance sheet. A survey of 1,400 workers revealed that 12 percent of people who experience chronic rude behavior at work quit their jobs and 22 percent deliberately decrease their work effort. The survey found that men are seven times more likely than women to be rude at work. Rampant incivility goes far beyond political correctness or etiquette issues. Incivility makes open communication and teamwork virtually impossible.
And the situation is only getting worse. In a January 2013 Harvard Business Review article, Pearson and Porath showed that one-half of all employees they surveyed in 2011 reported being on the receiving end of rudeness at least once a week — compared to only one-quarter of employees surveyed in 1998. Another recent study showed that both high performers and low performers were targets for workplace bullies because they broke the boundaries of average performance.
This survey by Public Agenda, a nonpartisan opinion research organization, revealed that eight in ten Americans surveyed say a lack of respect and courtesy is not only a serious problem, but it has become worse in recent years. Respondents cited the way they are treated by business and customer service employees as inexcusable, and almost half of those surveyed have walked out of a business because of bad service.
Even more disturbing, notes the survey, is discourtesy from individuals; complaints include inconsiderate drivers, rude cell phone users, and the use of profanity. Equally troubling is the impolite and even aggressive conduct of children, which, although the survey holds parents primarily to blame, is at least in part learned from popular culture and the entertainment media.
When asked about the perceived causes of this increased rudeness, many people suggested crowding, too much anonymity, and the pressures of our high-octane lives, coupled with a declining sense of community and a general increase in selfishness and callousness.
In the workplace, the results of this phenomenon manifest themselves on the bottom line. According to a Chicago-area consulting firm specializing in corporate behavior, ignoring bad behavior in the workplace can be a costly mistake. The negative effects of workplace incivility can include the following, to name just a few:
* Employee-generated lawsuits
* Declining commitment to the organization
* Decreased effort
* Increased tardiness and absenteeism
* Deliberate damage to equipment and property
* Termination of employment to avoid dealing with instigators
* Poor customer service
* Low morale
* Physical violence
Just as serious as the toll on organizational effectiveness is the toll that rudeness takes on people themselves. Discourteous behavior has a negative impact on the recipient of the behavior and on the person whose behavior is impolite and disrespectful. Whether the misbehavior comes from ignorance or from a genuine combativeness, the results are the same: The person loses credibility and alienates others — damage that, once created, is difficult to reverse.
We sometimes justify rudeness because it seems to be expedient, unlike courtesy, which may seem to take too much time and effort. On the contrary, in many cases, being rude takes just as much energy as courtesy — sometimes more. For example, you will expend more force screaming at the driver who changed lanes in front of you than you will backing off a little and letting that person into your lane. Rather than becoming irate, try to empathize. Consider that perhaps the person is in unfamiliar surroundings and just realized that his or her exit is immediately ahead. On the other hand, the person may truly be an inconsiderate driver. But either way, you have more to lose by reacting rudely and angrily.
TAKING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
If indeed we believe that politeness and social rituals have a civilizing effect on the population, then we all need to accept responsibility for keeping civility alive and well in the twenty-first century. Here are a few suggestions.
Consider Your Motives
Concerns about courtesy should be positively motivated. Throughout history, the advocacy of extreme manners and protocol was often a thinly veiled ploy to exclude and feel superior to others who didn't know the protocol. In fact, the words "etiquette" and "ticket" have the same etymology: the Old French estiquet. And, as we well know, the purpose of a ticket is to let some in and keep others out. If you encounter a rule or behavior that seems elitist, out of date, or just plain silly, use your good judgment. True courtesy benefits everyone. Its aim is not to embarrass or catch someone in a mistake.
Consider the Needs of Others
One reason we're not better at practicing civility is that it often involves putting someone else's interests ahead of our own — opening a door, stepping aside to let someone pass, turning off our cell phones during meetings. Courtesy requires a fair amount of unselfishness, a quality too often in short supply.
Indeed, one of the defining characteristics of our social structure is the constant tension between asserting individual rights and maintaining respect for others. To some of us, deferring to others seems to equate to giving up one's freedom and rights. We feel less powerful and somehow out of control when someone goes ahead of us or takes a better seat.
We find it even more difficult to maintain civility when someone is rude to us. Our natural instinct is to defend ourselves by returning the rudeness. Unfortunately, this action begins an unpleasant cycle of revenge. When we return someone else's rudeness with our own, a minor insult can escalate into a serious problem — perhaps even leading to physical violence. Our first reaction to defend ourselves and our honor ultimately makes us party to the behavior we were critical of to begin with.
Treat Others as You'd Want to Be Treated
Practically every civilization and religion has some version of this principle. Consistently applied, that simple axiom covers a lot of territory. Most people find it difficult to be rude to someone who refuses to participate in the rudeness.
Refuse to Return Rudeness
To take this approach, you have a couple of options. On the one hand, you can behave as though the incivility didn't occur, which works well for minor offenses. People find it difficult to continue unacceptable behavior if the other person responds in a way that affirms the dignity of both parties and attempts to move the encounter in a more positive direction. Or you can politely acknowledge the rudeness. If, for example, a coworker snaps at you when you request some information, you might respond with something like, "I can see that you are really busy and probably on a deadline, and I wouldn't be here if I didn't need your help."
If that approach doesn't disarm the person, you have the right to confront the rudeness courteously but more directly. For example, you might say, "You seem really upset about something. If I have offended you, I'm sorry. I'll try to get this information from someone else or speak to you later."
Only in the most extreme cases will someone continue to be rude in the face of one of these strategies. At any rate, you will be far better off if you refuse to let yourself be dragged into the fray. Furthermore, if anyone else happens to hear the exchange, you will come across as evenhanded, emotionally mature, and in control while your opponent will send all kinds of negative signals. If both of you went at it, neither would be a winner.
WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU?
Obviously, not many people appreciate the rudeness that's rampant in our society, even though many admit that they themselves frequently fall into the pattern of discourtesy and disrespect that they abhor in others.
Not surprisingly, then, anyone who commits to becoming familiar with the right way to treat other people and who adheres to the essential tools of good manner is going to get noticed. According to Dana May Casperson, author of Power Etiquette: What You Don't Know Can Kill Your Career, "Good manners open doors that position and money cannot." When you are polished and professional, others perceive you as knowledgeable and confident. Conversely, if you lack polish and professionalism, people may seem willing to overlook your slipups temporarily, but they won't ignore them indefinitely. Casperson asserts that at critical points in your career, you may be passed over for someone who has learned the importance of interpersonal skills based on courtesy, knowledge, and respect for others.
THE CONSTANTLY CHANGING RULES
We'll probably never have a Leave It to Beaver world (did it ever really exist?), but the alternative doesn't have to be The Jerry Springer Show. And although the rules will continue to change as society and circumstances change — for example, the rule that a man must walk on the outside of the sidewalk to shield a woman's long, flowing skirts from being splashed by carriages on muddy streets made sense in the 19th century, but no longer applies — the principles of fair play, ethical behavior, and concern for others will always be valued. Courtesy, in the end, comes from an attitude — a sensible, enriching way of treating others, rather than merely a set of ordinances — that is a mixture of common sense and kindness.
THE BOTTOM LINE
* Incivility has become commonplace in society.
* Rudeness takes a serious toll in the workplace.
* Courtesy stems from a genuine respect for others.
* Refusing to return rudeness is an important first step toward civility.
* Courtesy can be an important competitive advantage.
CHAPTER 2Credibility
Creating It and Keeping It
"I'll call you."
"Let's do lunch."
"We really need to get together."
"I'll get back to you later today."
"I tried to call you back, but you weren't there, and I didn't leave a message."
"I'm almost finished with that project."
Every day, in our personal and professional relationships, we make promises that we can't or don't intend to keep and issue statements that bear only a slight resemblance to truth. In fact, the practice of telling half-truths is so commonplace that we are barely conscious that we're doing it or that it's being done to us. We accept the fact that, whatever we call it — telling a white lie, exaggerating, or providing selective information — lying to each other in a variety of ways is an everyday part of life.
Obviously, an isolated fib here and there isn't going to hurt anything. (Do you really need to tell your best friend that her hair looks like she got caught in a ceiling fan?) But if you develop a habit of saying things you don't mean, making promises you don't keep, and misleading by cloaking reality in rhetoric, you diminish others' ability to trust you and chip away at your own credibility, which is one of your most important yet fragile assets.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Etiquette Edge by Beverly Y. Langford. Copyright © 2016 Beverly Y. Langford, PhD. Excerpted by permission of AMACOM.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
INTRODUCTION: THE CASE FOR COURTESY, 1,PART 1. Everyday Courtesy as a Success Factor,
1. Manners in the Twenty-First Century, 11,
2. Credibility: Creating It and Keeping It, 18,
3. Develop Your Gratitude Attitude: Say "Thank You" and Mean It, 22,
4. Are Your Nonverbal Messages Telling on You?, 27,
5. What the $%#*!& Is Going on Here?, 35,
6. Tell Me Less: Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid, 39,
7. Giving Genuine Compliments That Count, 45,
8. Improving Your Listening Skills, 50,
9. Being Smart About Smartphones and Other Devices, 54,
10. Using Social Media to Make — Not Break — Your Career, 59,
11. Travel Courtesy: Don't Leave Home Without It, 64,
PART 2. Best Behaviors at Work: Interacting with Bosses and Peers,
12. Terror on Both Sides of the Desk: Relieving Interview Stress, 73,
13. The New Job: Getting Started on the Right Foot, 83,
14. Office Space: Make Working Together More Enjoyable and Productive, 88,
15. Getting Along with Your Manager: Spotting and Solving Personality Problems, 94,
16. How to Speak So Your Boss Will Listen, 101,
17. E-mail: Think Before You Send, 105,
18. Using Your Phone Most Productively, 113,
19. Dress Code Confusion, 120,
20. Mastering the Art of Meetings, 126,
21. When Meetings Go Virtual, 129,
22. How to Leave a Job: Making a Graceful Exit, 134,
23. Refuse to Schmooze and You Lose: Cultivating the Social Side of Business, 140,
24. Let's Do Lunch: Dining Your Way to Success, 145,
25. Getting Noticed — Without Becoming Notorious, 150,
26. He Said, She Said: When the Gender Gap Seems as Wide as the Grand Canyon, 154,
27. Citizenship in the Global Village, 160,
PART 3. Handling Sensitive Issues: Courtesy and Building Trust,
28. Loving Your Enemies: Coping with the Price of Success, 169,
29. When Your Best Friend Becomes Your Boss: Balancing the Professional and the Personal, 173,
30. Dealing with a Bully Boss, 178,
31. Dealing with Negative Coworkers, 182,
32. Silence Is Not a Virtue: How to Complain Without Carping, 186,
33. An Apology Is in Order: Repairing the Damage with a Sincere Response, 191,
34. Delivering Unwelcome Information Without Damaging Relationships, 195,
35. Confronting with Courtesy: Preserving Relationships While Resolving Differences, 203,
36. When the Worst Happens: Dealing with Tragedy, Illness, and Death, 210,
37. Putting It All Together: Creating and Maintaining Your Personal Brand, 216,
A FINAL WORD, 223,
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS, 225,
BIBLIOGRAPHY, 227,
INDEX, 237,
FREE SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM MAKE YOUR CONTACTS COUNT BY ANNE BABER AND LYNNE WAYMON, 246,
ABOUT AMACOM, 261,
What People are Saying About This
"In today's high-speed business climate, we often forget to take the time to build relationships and alliances that can determine the difference between success and failure. This book reminds us of important ground rules for dealing with others effectively in the workplace." — Mike Welch, Senior Vice President, Operations, Arby's LLC
"To be successful today, we must continually work on keeping the personal touch in our relationships with our associates up and down the organization. This book targets those people who want to take their communication effectiveness to the next level." — Rod Hewitt, Vice President Human Resources, VF Intimates, VF Corporation
"Leadership has become the coin of the organizational realm, and one’s capacity to lead often depends on the ability to forge strong relationships. Beverly Langford equips current and future leaders with the critical communication competence to create credibility and build trust." — Pat MacMillan, CEO, Team Resources, Inc."